i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I met the friendliest cop last night
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
