if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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