I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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