Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
