Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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