My Higher Power is John Stamos
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
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