"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I wish there were birth control emojis
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
