Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
