tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
