youre lurking in front of me
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
