i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
