bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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