I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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