Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
