I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
