I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
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