I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Who died my cat blue again?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
