you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
