The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
