how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
