3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
