I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
