so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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