Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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