you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
