he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
