i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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