I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
we made out on top of his cat.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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