On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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