I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I want you more than these girls want KFC
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
