I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
