her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
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