I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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