I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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