she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Enjoy the penises
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
