sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
