It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Randomize
