he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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