Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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