I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
