I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
