My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
