at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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