I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Apparently you make a good broom.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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