I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
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