OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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