I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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