I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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