I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
be right there i have to get my cape
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
