Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
